vergissmeinnicht
by enferciel
Summary: she remembers, he searches. Their paths cross once again and everything is never the same. AU, touken.
1. Chapter 1

**vergissmeinnicht**

 _(prologue – distant memories)_

* * *

There was this boy just down the road.

He loved to read, a little bit shy on the outside – but that just added his charm – and was really, really kind. And it's not just some random _bullshit_ that you use to describe people you don't really know since there are not much to say. It was completely, definitely, entirely, _different_. It reminds her of her loving _father_.

There was this one time – Touka was searching for the bird's food, bringing a bucket with her and a shovel, this time without Ayato because he was apparently busy today – but it lasted on her mind forever.

She remembers because he was alone, reading a somewhat heavy book on the swing. Unaffected by her presence for he was too immersed in his book. Touka too, did not care much – she was there for the one and only thing after all. Although she was pretty curious since it was rare for her to see or interact with kids her age.

Once upon a time, she was just a sweet, lovely child – without any scars from the world's faults after faults.

She dug and dug and found nothing and before she realised it, a mountain of dirt has piled up next to her. The deeper she dug, the harder the soil had become, and so, she used her entire power to lift her shovel and yes! She whooped because she managed to lift her shovel and –

Oops. Apparently it landed on the boy.

She froze, unable to move. For one second, Touka thought the boy was going to be mad. But the boy just merely brushed the dirt from him and well, he stood up.

Touka gulped.

"What are you doing?" It was not an angry tone you would have expected but a much more gentler tone with genuine curiosity etched in his voice. She was startled.

"I'm searching for my bird's food." Came the timid reply, from the guilt of accidentally making him dirty. And she almost forgot but she didn't – her father's words, "Say sorry if you did something wrong." echoed inside her head. "I'm so sorry."

"Oh." He smiled brightly at her, something she didn't quite understand 'till these days. "It's nothing. Do you want me to help?" He scratched the back of his head.

"Uh.." Touka glanced between the shovel in her hand and the hole. "Maybe?"

The boy reached out his hand and took the shovel from her. "You know, if there is no worm after you dig that deep, then you should search somewhere else. Worm likes damp place so it would be better if you search worms around damp area."

Touka nodded, mentally noting it on her mind.

The boy searched around and stopped at a certain spot with Touka following closely behind. Then, he began to dig. Touka began to get bored when nothing was found after a minute had passed. She wasn't a patient person to begin with.

"If you can't do – "

She stopped when the boy lifted up her shovel and showed her the worms. Her eyes widened in wonderment and she clapped her hands in delight. "Thank you very much!" Touka exclaimed, overcame with happiness. Now, she didn't need to worry for a week.

"It's nothing." The boy smiled at her.

"What's your name?"

"It's Kaneki Ken. Yours?"

"Touka, Kirishima Touka. But call me Touka."

"Sure, Touka-chan."

* * *

Now, everything has changed. She is no longer the naïve girl from the past. He is no longer around. He is not here anymore. Everything is so fucked up she can't be bothered to think anymore, everyday is a passing blur in her mind.

In and out. Everyday. Sometimes, it won't go out.

Those memories are what keeping her sane. She's barely there, clinging to those happy memories as if it's her life line. And it is, in some sense. And she fears it more than anything with each new day, the memories turn hazier and blurrier and –

That's why she needs to keep remembering, repeating –

Or it would dissolve into some background memories.

And Touka fears it more than anything.

…

* * *

 _a/n: yes, I decided it's a rated M story. There would be some inappropriate stuff  
but it's a serious story so, the M is not some fun stuff you use to fantasize._

 _not too detailed m rated scene tho; should i move it to T? thanks for reading_


	2. Chapter 2

**vergissmeinicht**

( _chapter 1 – wistful thinking)_

* * *

That little girl, who's most certainly a teenager now, was cute.

He remembers because they used to play together – the two of them. Sometimes, Hide joined them with this awfully enthusiastic smile and tried to charm the girl in which ended in failure (no surprise right there.) Kaneki was a little happy – well, actually a hell lot _happy_ and probably still happy up until now _–_ that Touka-chan was immune to Hide's obvious romantic advances. Honestly, it was dumb to indulge in romantic affairs when you're just like, 10.

(and he tries to shake off the thought that he is such a _hypocrite_ )

Touka.

Yes, that's her name.

It's a rare name, something he doesn't hear often. Usually girls' names are something feminine like Sakura but hers are different and it fits perfectly with her appearance and personality. He likes calling her name.

 _Touka-chan, Touka-chan,_ he'd call and she would respond with a bright smile.

Everything's different now, isn't it?

Kaneki smiles bitterly – all longing and sad with a distant look, a smile that doesn't quite meet those grey eyes of his. What a wistful thinking, he ponders and brings the cup of coffee to his lips. It's all over now, those days of innocence.

Now, he is still calling her name in the darkness of his room. He will grunt and pant and breathe hard and dream of something _dirty_ , revolting – adult scenes after scenes, all his doing with – _on_ her, images that make his stomach curl with revulsion and pleasure molded together. His eyes are closed but at the last moment, when he is seeing white, he will wake up and call her name with a breathless need.

( _"Touka-chan!")_

And he is ashamed to admit that he enjoys every moment of it.

He will be awake then – every fiber of his being fully aware of what's going on and he will think what the hell is wrong with him, why is this happening, why what how swirling in his disorganized mind. This is clearly not normal, he thinks with genuine fear, the last time they met was years ago when she was just a child. Does that make him a pedophile?

But he dreams of doing it with her grown up version so it doesn't make him a pedophile, right? It's still not normal though. How did his mind even conjure up the image of her grown up version in the first place and how did he even know it's her? How did he even…

It's been years.

And he clearly hasn't forgotten about her – not when she keeps on appearing in his _nocturnal emission_ , as he puts it, to make it seem less erotic that it actually is. Nocturnal emission is a normal occurrence that happened during puberty to boys but it's not okay when the one he is dreaming about is the little girl that stopped showing up at the park years ago.

Kaneki places his mouth around the rim of the cup and sips down the last drop of the thick, black liquid before getting up and making his way over to the cashier to pay for his coffee. He always pays a visit to this coffee shop on his way to college because the black coffee's taste is delicious. He could always make a coffee on his own but it never tasted as good as this café's signature black coffee.

As he walks out of the café, he bumps into Hide. "Hide, hi."

"Hey." Hide responds with his usual grin. "I've been searching for you."

"Uh, what's wrong?" Kaneki looks at Hide, perplexed. He guesses in his mind of why Hide is searching for him but nothing comes up. Hide always shows up with this wide grin and tells him all sort of things – from something that seemed too petty to be too enthusiastic for to something that is just too… insane.

Hide opens his mouth to answer but finally mulls over it and instead says, "Meet me at 7 in the park, I'll show you."

"Uh… okay."

Hide nods then run off, saying he has errands to tend to. Kaneki scratches the back of his head, out of habit more than anything and sighs, wondering what surprise Hide might have for him. Hopefully, it's not something dumb like a yellow frog's nest or something like that.

* * *

 **a/n** you get to see Kaneki's side this time. I'm not sure I did it right but yeah. This is kinda crappy and it didn't turn out the way I expected it to be. Eh, well. Hope you enjoy! Sorry for the shortness.


	3. Chapter 3

**vergissmeinnicht**

 _(chapter 3 – of fortunes and twisted fate)_

* * *

The decayed stench of flesh fills the whole room.

Touka stands, a body – _dead_ one, _dead dead dead dead_ , eyes hollow – lying near her, bent and twisted at odd angles with a hand extended, reaching out to her, fingers curling at her foot, trying to reach her but can't, as if begging for mercy.

She continues to stand, posture rigid and tense, eyes wild with hands on both of her sides. She tries to inhale, to take a deep breath and finally allow her brain to actually work but she immediately stops when the stench of flesh attacks her sense of smell. Tears prickle at the corner of her eyes and her head spins, desperately wanting to empty her stomach.

Touka tells herself to calm down and take it easy – that it's fine, fine, fine, everything is fine. It's okay, killing is okay because he is such a horrible, revolting human being – a piece of trash to this twisted world but still, she can't shake off the feeling that she'd done something terrible and she loathes herself for it – for doing this terrible shit in this damned place.

She staggers back and at that moment, a wave of nausea hits her. She can no longer hold back, unable to keep her bile at bay anymore and her violet eyes widen before she heaves – thick, red bile crashing onto the hard wooden floor. She retches, spewing out everything she has in her stomach, leaving nothing inside.

She pants, gasping for air, only to smell that rotten, foul-smelling flesh invading her nose and heaves again – though nothing comes out.

"What's this noise you've been making – " Irimi's hands fly up to her mouth upon seeing Touka curling on the floor. "Oh my goodness, dear, what happened to you?"

* * *

After the little commotion that happened earlier, Touka sits on the stool in front of the counter, sipping her coffee calmly. She'd regained her composure and now, she is back to her old self – signs of boredom evident on her expression and swearing words on the tip of her tongue, waiting to come out once something displeasing to her happens.

"So." Nishiki comes by, plopping himself next to her with a mocking smirk across his face. Now, this is what Touka calls 'something displeasing' and she curses under her breath. "Are you turning into a human or something? Because ghoul won't vomit when one smells human flesh."

"Shut up, shithead." Touka regards the presence of the so-called shithead with those words and she turned her face away, not wanting to see that ill-inducing smirk.

Nishiki then laughs loudly, slapping his hand against his thigh with a loud smack and finally, rise from his seat whilst laughing, saying something about her getting softer or something. That bastard, Touka thinks bitterly and sighs. Truthfully, she doesn't know what happened and she doesn't even know why she vomited in the first place. Surely she, as a ghoul, loves eating human meat but – but, she couldn't stand this anymore, she can't, can't, can't –

Her hand trembles as she brings the cup to her lips.

–It's revolting.

Disgusting. Wretched. Twisted. Filthy.

She can't forget.

 _(hands touching everywhere, every surface of her skin, everywhere, everyinch, nospacejustclosure; whywhywhywhywhy)_

This kind of life… what has become of the life of the top creature at the chain? Humans – they think ghouls are so cruel but who're the _despicable_ ones here? Humans take away everything she has, crushing her under their thumbs – playing her with these invisible strings called fate, leaving nothing of her but an empty shell of what she used to be.

But at the same time, she can't hate this wretched place, no matter how many times she tried to because this place is what keeps her safe – her safe _refuge._

Because the doves wouldn't find them here, because she can fulfill the two lowest Maslow's hierarchy of needs – food and safety, and everything, in the end, has a price to pay. And what Touka is paying right now, is it worth it? Is it worth it – the nights where she couldn't sleep because she is too disgusted with herself, the fear of getting caught and found out, the pressure –

She wonders too.

But then she is reminded of her life before Anteiku and decides that this is the best she can have.

It all becomes too much though and she thinks of recoiling and abandoning everything and just scavenges anything she could find off the streets – the lonely humans in the dark corner of an alley, the humans who have given up, anything as long as she can eat.

That's why.

To hold on, she keeps on remembering and repeating, remembering and repeating, recalling and recollecting.

The little boy that promises her of bright, bright future. The descending sun that looked like an egg yolk in the orange sky. The laugh they shared together. The open hands finding their ways to each other. The dazzling smile that blinded every painful things she had endured.

The memories play like a recorder, a tape of film recorded all through her own eyes, in the back of her mind as she tries to run away, run run run. The memories are her booze to turn to, the prayers you chant to send away bad omens, one night stand to forget, even if it's just for a little while.

"Touka."

She snaps back to reality and turns her head to the source of the voice. There, Irimi stands, hovering in the doorway to the way upstairs with a wistful smile and Touka immediately knows what's going to come.

"It's time."

And Touka simply says nothing because there's no way around it. She stands up from her seat and stumbles over to where Irimi stands – feeling rather intoxicated and lightheaded. _It's okay_ , she tells herself because it isn't.

"Get ready before 8." Irimi says once they arrive at the room. Touka steps inside obligatorily and Irimi turns to leave.

"Don't throw up again, Touka." She jokingly adds over her shoulder before leaving Touka all alone with her reflection.

Her reflection stares back at her, unblinking.

* * *

 **a/n** I still don't know if I did it right. Anyway, they will meet in the next chapter. I tried to write sad things but it still turned out kinda bad. Thanks for reading anyway!


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